I feel like I get told “no” a lot.

Sometimes it is a person telling me “no.” Sometimes it is the Holy Spirit telling me “no.” Sometimes it is me telling myself “no.” But still, there are a lot of “no”s in my life.

This has really become a problem for me. I just expect that it’ll be a “no,” so I don’t even try. I want adventure and fun and lots of yes! “No” is demeaning and sad and small and boring.

I inherently feel like something is wrong with me that this keeps happening. Am I making it up? Does God’s will about having good plans for us apply to everyone else except me? Is it supposed to be this hard?

And talking to God, I’m like, no, what? Like, no, not ever, this is something I’ll never have? Or like, I have something better? Or like, no, not right now, in this phase of life? Or like, no, just learn that I am enough?

I’ve very confused about it.

And then, I’m like, God, I have all these hopes and dreams for my life. Are they from you, or are they from me? Why do I desire these things so strongly? Why am I so unsettled in how my life is going? Is it a holy discontent – that you want me to be doing something else? Or is it just that “grass is greener” nature that I have so badly – no matter where I go, it’ll never be enough?

I feel this “no” from God. “No, Mely.”

And I’m like, no what? Just sit here now and be okay with nothing? Is there anything to hope in besides eternity? Do you actually have a great plan for my life, or is your plan for me to stop caring about anything?

I’m very confused about that, too.

Overall, the constant feeling of “no” or “closed door” or however you want to “metaphor” it has given me this general feeling of defeat in my life. Why even try to do anything different? It’s just going to be another “no,” because God always tells me no.

How immature am I, tho?

I’m getting overwhelmed by the lack of guidance that I feel from the Holy Spirit, and it is making me shut down with Him and question the truth of His word.

I’m mistaking God’s will right now with God’s will forever.

“No” and “never” aren’t the same thing.

For one thing, we wouldn’t need hope if everything was always fantastic.

For another thing, God isn’t abandoning me when I don’t get every single thing I want right this second.

No.

I know the deal with the “no.” It isn’t at all about whether my hopes and dreams about how I’m serving God come true. In asking God to allow me to serve him on this earth, I don’t get to determine how that’s exactly going to play out. What else could “Thy will be done” mean? So often, holiness is going to be facing menial tasks in a spirit of unity with the Spirit. Holiness is in the humble servant’s heart, day after day, preparing and cultivating and weeding and pruning along with the Master.

Oh Lord Jesus, help me be willing to sit in these no’s from you. Help me to stop confusing “no” with “never,” and to continue to faithfully serve you in small things. To face each day in a humble spirit right alongside you, the Humblest of all, down from the glories of heaven to sit in our filth.

Oh Perfect, Holy Jesus. A “no” means you have something better in mind, because you have the bigger picture, and I don’t. Teach me to trust you. Teach me to love the “no” as the blessing it really is from you.

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